Cruise = Fantasterrifically Awesmagically Perf-rad-ect (Part 1)

Warning: The reading of this blog post (and the 4 to follow) may cause severe jealousy, dry mouth, envy, heart palpitations, dry eyes or death (by laughter). You may also experience the side effect known simply as reaching-for-wallet-to-book-my-own-awesome-cruise. If you experience any of these conditions please consult a travel agent immediately. Cruises are not right for everyone (read: small kids). This is going to be long.

So, as many of you know Jessica and I had the absolute good fortune of ditching out kids for an entire week and going on a cruise to the Caribbean with three other couples. It was a long time in the planning and it was a miracle that everything came together so perfectly to allow all of us to go at the same time. Before I get in to the events I want to give a big hearty and appreciative shout-out to all the babysitters who made it possible. Eliza, without you our kids would have been extremely lost and scared while we were having fun in the Caribbean. Thanks for not making us neglectful. You're terrific.

So on Saturday morning Jessica and I leaped from bed at 4:30 am to begin the excitement! We met Jess and Cari, and Perry and Sarah and began the drive down to Port Canaveral, FL to meet up with Ben and Shari. The drive went by surprisingly quickly after we fired Perry as navigator. The fact that nobody was asking if we were there yet probably helped as well.

The Ship: Carnival Dream
So, what did we do when we were stranded on a ship in the middle of the ocean? Whatever we wanted!! We sunbathed on the deck of ship, we ate, we read books, we slept, we ate, we showered, we ate, we ate, we talked and ate at the same time, we played Cranium, we ate, we did some Karaoke, we ate, and then we had dinner.

Funny thing about dinner: our dinner seating assignment was at 6pm. When we got there it was very crowded and we were at a long table so we couldn't all talk to each other at the same time. Brave Perry asked the Maitre'd if we could get a different table. The Maitre'd, whose name was Ante and who was from Croatia, said he'd be happy to get us a circle table at 8pm with the young crowd and was surprised to find us there at all. It was only then that we noticed that, indeed, we were the youngest people in the dining room by far. Apparently only oldies-but-goodies eat at 6pm on a cruise. So we were moved to a nice spot on the second floor of the dining area at the table waited on by Jose Luis and Johnny - both from Peru. They were awesome and kept up with all of our demands: "No, foreal, nobody at this table wants coffee or alcohol." "Yes, Cari really does want to order one of each, and yes she really does plan on eating all of them." "Yes, that really is the sound of us rubbing the tops of our glasses with our fingers." The dining room food and desserts were really good and it was fun to have so much variety. They had these delectable fruit soups as appetizers that were simply delicious. Jessica even dared to try a lot of the features, including lobster (which she describes as feeling and tasting like a glob of fat). We were all very proud of her culinary bravery.

Unfortunately the food outside of the Dining room was mostly just OK. The french toast was good, the Indian food was not bad, the burrito bar was good, but the chocolate bar they had one night was....gross. I think the "chocolate" bar was collected after the burrito bar was all eaten up, if you know what I mean. The one gift that kept on giving was the soft serve ice cream machine. I think I probably had 15 cones of ice cream or frozen yogurt during the trip. Jessica probably had 15 on the first day. And hers were no joke - perfectly formed twirls of chocolatey-vanilla deliciousness piled 6 inches high on a tiny fragile cake cone. MMMmmmm.

Some things you should know about Karaoke: I sing horribly, especially with a live band behind me. At least they were so loud I did not have to hear myself. Everyone else looked like they were having a good time imagining me dead with duct tape over my mouth. But, you know who sings worse? 4 tween girls picking random songs out of the book. When we got to Karaoke one night we were excited to see that we were the only ones in the room besides these girls. That excitement ended when we a) heard them, and b) saw they occupied the next 10 slots on the line up. Where was a Mexican kidnapping cartel that night? Jessica and the other ladies with us sang some Dixie Chicks and then we bolted. Relatively they sounded like Celine Dion (the best singer in the world).

There was a family friendly comedy show each night before dinner that we enjoyed attending. The comics were hit and miss, but usually we ended up laughing quite a bit. Since it was "family friendly" there was no swearing or sex jokes...but there was also not a whole lot of material it seemed. Random kids without parents around would sit in the front row and the comedian would try to pull something funny out of them - sometimes watching them choke for material was funny enough. The downer to this part of the cruise was Jeff "the fun dude" Shaw. He was the guy who introduced the comedian each night, told the family friendly rules, and tried to tell a few jokes. The dude was a dork. He was so unfunny that the only time we laughed was when we made fun of him after the fact. When he tried to tell people to take their crying kids out of the room during the show he made it so awkwardly uncomfortable that I'm amazed everyone didn't just leave. Also awkwardly uncomfortable: his jokes about him being like Ellen Degeneres. The truth is, they are probably a lot a like, except she is funny, happy, and likes other people.

On the ship there is this wonderful quick water slide that shoots you faster than you might think into a toilet bowl type thing at the bottom where you slide in circles until your momentum finally dies. Perry won the contest between the men for the number of times around the circle. By only letting his shoulder blades and one heal touch the slide he made it around the bowl 6 times! For a trophy he got to take home wing-shaped flesh wounds on his shoulder blades. I failed miserably at this, but I did dive in once head first on my belly and another time head first on my back - both of which were very much against the rules, but also extremely fun.

One of the other really fun things we did as a group was crash the dance club in our jammies. There was no real reason for this except that we could. We danced like we were all back in high school. It was a lot of fun and we totally owned that dance floor! By owned, I mean we flopped around like hyper fish. Who knew that Jessica and I could still move that much, that fast, that fluidly? Probably nobody. But now that we know it we are going to dance a lot more often in our living room, that is fo sho.

There were also a couple of formal nights for which Jessica looked absolutely stunning. I felt like I was some kid escorting a hot actress because I won some sort of lottery. Seriously. Have you seen that blue dress? Jessica + wavy hair + blue dress = Amaaaaaaaazazing.

One of the shows we saw was this hilarious juggler named Edge. He was very entertaining to watch and Ben and I even got to go up on stage to help him out with his Chinese yo-yo tricks. He would spin this yo-yo around and then chuck it at Ben's face where he had a kite-shaped bow that would bounce it to my kite-shaped bow that would bounce it to the girl with a giant net to catch it with. I'll admit that I was a little skerd of the thing hitting me in the face, and even though I caught it with the bow it did hit me in the nose a bit. No harm done and the show was fabulous. I even got to tell my own little joke on stage!

We saw a couple of good variety shows and did some other stuff on the ship, but I won't continue to bore you. Suffice to say: the ship itself, with the shows, the mini-golf, the hot tubs, and the giant movie screen was a lot of fun.