Happiest place on earth?

Well, let me start by naming a few negatives to get them out of the way for the rest of the post.
1. This will be a long post. sorry.
2. Orlando tap "water" tastes and smells like sulfuric vomit laced with almost a trace of a hint of something resembling water-like flavor.
3. Mattresses that condense down to 3 inches of spiny noisy springs must be in style there.
4. Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way (but her creepy weirdo fake smile)














5. 91 degrees + 40% humidity = not cool.
6. Fantasy World Resorts: neither a fantasy, nor a resort - "talk amongst yourselves"

Okay. So what is the best part about a vacation to D-world with your kids? Giving them to their grandparents of course! We love grandparents and highly recommend that everyone get a pair or two. They come in all shapes and sizes to fit your every need. They come experienced, and if fed regularly, can be quite energetic. If you don't have some and are in need, you may be interested in renting one here. (Now back to our regular programming.)

Seriously, the trip would have failed if it were not for my parents coming with us. Brody and Bridger had a blast with Nana and Papas, and I'm pretty sure Papas will be worn out until we can find a way to make it to Hawaii to see them next. They really did make the trip a Happy one, rather than a stressful one. Brody was stuck to Papas like monkey glue.









Brody enjoyed racing. Bridger didn't think too highly of flying with elephants.
















One thing you definitely have to see when you go to D-world is the Mickey's Philharmagic show. It was really cool. What could be better than sitting in an AC'd building with the smell of hot apple pie wafting in your face? Maybe just adding rad 3-d glasses and mist. And now you know why it was such a great show.
You may ask yourselves: "What's with Brody crossin' his legs in that picture?" I'm still asking myself that question.

We saw lots of people standing in line forever to get fake signatures from sweaty mutes with big fake heads. We didn't do that though (except for the super short goofy line). I don't mind that our kids are scared to death of them.

You know what else is scary? For Brody scary is pretty much anything that includes the words: splash, thunder, mountain, or coaster. He cried through those. Apparently the Brer rabbit is hellish. For Jess and I, scary includes the dino ride at Animal Kingdom - I'm pretty sure it scarred us for life. And I think all the crying terrified children who came out of the ride will never again trust their parents. (We didn't take Brody, but we did convince my parents to go, saying it was "a little noisy, but mild. We fibbed. "a little.")
At Animal Kingdom they have this huge play area where the boys could climb, slide, and dig for dino bones. They loved it. But their favorite part of the day was probably the little water fountain where they splashed around for an hour. They laughed like it was the happiest place on earth. I thought it was nice that they loved it so much. I also thought how lame it was that I paid so much for them to love a hose.

































At Epcot we spent some time as posers. We also spent some time seeing sharks and fish and stingrays and eels at the Finding Nemo ride. Then Papas and the boys were eaten by a shark. Luckily I was there to catch their last moments on camera...they seemed really happy.















Also, as a side note, Papas tried to teach Brody how to swim and had some good success in the sucking-in-water and panic-sink parts of swimming. Brody also got pretty good at kicking his legs and standing on Papas shoulders. On the other hand, little Bridger was too afraid to get in the water and screamed like a little girl if (when) I forced him in. He was satisfied with running around the pool teasing us with the probabilities of him falling down or falling in. Good times!
















One of the greatest things about having my parents there was that Jess and I got to run around Epcot all by ourselves! Like newlyweds! Newlyweds who eat like barbarians and fly like butterflies and ride cool rides and make fun of passersby. It was wondrous.



















We also made a trip over to a little place called Sea World. They have some great shows there. If you're ever in the neighborhood and feel like seeing dolphins fly and humans dressed like parrots you should definitely stop by. The boys really enjoyed seeing all the animals in their unnatural habitats and being fed to the shrieking eels.














They also liked climbing through the huge mess of tunnels and cargo nets they have set up there to try and trap parents for eternity.














Brody even got to ride on one of the sea lions. As it turns out, Brody can make excellent sea lion barking noises. As it also turns out, so can Daddy (that's me) and now I'm requested to make those noises all the time in the same way that the trainers ask the real sea lions to bark - with a "gentle" touch to the throat. I'm pretty sure that if I were to die today, the CSI would think it was from severe neck trauma. (and they would be right.)

On Wednesday we decided to take a trip to a little beach near tampa. It was full of shells and not great for digging, but the water was only about 2-3 feet deep and waveless for about 500 feet out so the boys could walk on their own. It was like being in a huge kiddy pool. (only the pee to water ratio was a lot smaller - unless you count the fish, but we don't because that makes us want to barf.) Bridger loved the water, but not the taste of it. For future reference, if Jess tells you that she doesn't burn and doesn't need sunscreen you have my permission to call her a fat liar - or more accurately a really beautiful thin liar with nice teeth and a shining smile. She got burned pretty badly and had to work a little harder to enjoy the last few days of our trip.

And now for a commercial break: At Epcot center they have one of the coolest playgrounds ever. If you have a ton of money laying around and want a cool playground installed in your backyard you should check out foreverlawn.com and playlsi.com. I really want one of the Evos playsystems, so if any of you have a heart for giving I will except your generous donation of said playsystem. I will even make you cookies in return.

Of course there are a whole lot of details that I left out for fear of enducing boredom in our loyal readers, but we are leaving 15 minutes at the end of your read for any questions you may have. Just ask them out loud as they come to you.


The last two pictures below are the ones that I feel capture the true emotion of Disney World: Exhaustion. It is the Exhaustiest place on earth.

(and no, the belt on Brody's head is not a form of torture. His head was floppin' like a bobble-head.)